let's just keep touching; let's just keep, keep singing. [entries|friends|calendar] eriiCa*- Don't be scared `cause [ you`re] not [something] I`m [willing] to [lose.] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[18 Dec 2008|11:01pm] you don't see this. i don't think anyone sees this. i like you, i do. i just don't like lingering. i don't enjoy not knowing. it's how i am and it's how i'll always be. a good question came up tonight. is it possible to ever completely be over someone? i think back to cory, to be honest, and i wonder this. reminiscing and feeling nostalgic is the worst because so many memories come back up. am i over him? and if not a hundred percent, does it make any relationship since,  hold less meaning? i don't think so. i do think, it is impossible with a few to be completely over them. despite the terrible end(s) some relationships, flings, whatever have had, you hold a place in your heart for the individual. it's a scary thought to believe in, because when entering a new relationship, a thing so unknown, it is hard to accept that you may not be the only person who holds a spot within that persons heart.. of course, it is with that one person you can redefine every feeling, every touch, every glance.. and although there may be others holding a spot in your significant others heart, you can mean more than the rest. i think looking back at old pictures and stumbling across conversations are the worst form of torture after a relationship. i think cutting all ends takes guts, but it's what has to be done. i didn't think this a little more than a year ago, and in the end, it's what i needed to happen to move on. of course, one can see someone and still get that feeling in the pit of their stomach. they can get that feeling, or they can feel nothing at all. one extreme to another. fuck seeing you. i don't get that feeling, but i feel SOMETHING. why? i could never be with you again. We were inseperable.

[10 Jun 2008|09:17pm] oh gosh.. it's so different from the last time i have been on here. i barely know what i'm doing.. for some reason i was doing some lj creeping and figured i have a few things i could vent about at this time. i just got home from an awards banquet. apparently my ninety eight in law class was worth an award for 'outstanding achievement in social sciences'. i just don't see the big deal, you know?! one award. woooopp dee doo. however, during this loooong banquet, i watched others go up and receive just so many different awards from sports to academics. i listened to the student of the year nominee's and for a second i wished i could be as GOOD as them.. as SMART as them. somehow managing a ninety (or higher) average and being so involved just seemed enthralling. really, though, that is not a reality. this year i've slipped.. a lot. well. i shouldn't say that. this SEMESTER. i'm barely passing biology and math. i mean, yeah, i will pass, but who wants to JUST pass, you know?! i'm not used to this.. but it is a direct result of my effort. i brought up math a good twenty percent but biology, ah, well.. sciences just aren't for me. there's also something about the teachers that really effects the way i want to work. for some reason i'm amazing at excelling.. and failing.. so long as i want to. enough about that, though.. who really cares? i was reading a few of my entries before this and it's amazing how nostalgic i get. at least this time, i did not think about him. i've been over him for a while now, actually. it's so hard to at the time you are broken, helpless, and weak to see the bigger picture, but you have to go through ALL of it. i really wish feelings weren't defined by a single person.. most of the time it's one of the opposite sex, right? yes. well, i believe so. what have i been up to these past four, five months?! or should i say four YEARS?! i don't know.. but all i've been able to see lately is how amazing you are. of course i then begin to remember how in the past four or five months nothing REAL and genuine has come of it. i don't see the point in being involved so much in one person and no one else, and yet not having the guts to put a label on it.. well. wait. actually, i do.. because that's WHAT i do. i don't let people in. i think of the future and how everything ends and how i don't want to feel what i've felt.. but for some crazy reason, with you i think it would be worth it. i'd be willing to go through all of that with you because of how truly capable you are of making me feel infinite. there's something about you. i do not get sick of you. i could see you everyday.. but it has to stop. i have to stop setting myself up to get hurt. i have to give myself space, but do you know how hard it is to not pick up the phone and send a text? or dial your number? i wish it was as easy for me not to do as it is for you. maybe if it was, we would actually be 'together'. the point is, i don't want to waste time. i can't. i do deserve more. i do deserve better.. this has been an ongoing struggle with myself and with you. we fight like a married couple. we both feel like we're already in a relationship. you think i'd 'tie you down', but the actual thing is, if i HAD you, i would never. i think when you get to the point of wanting something for yourself so bad, well, that's where it gets dangerous. if something doesn't happen soon.. well.. i'm just done. i can't put myself through this absolute shit anymore. oh, i booked my g2. hopefully i don't fail? i could really use it. We were inseperable.

[01 Feb 2008|11:44pm] last night i got two phone calls between four and five in the morning, but it was okay because i wasn't asleep then anyways. thank god today was a snow day.. sort of. however, let's not thank god for how ghetto brennan is and how someone was stabbed. love yah guys, thanks for comin' out. so as i was saying, yeah, my family, myself + adrianna (who technically IS family 'cause she is my cousin who lives next door) began moving rooms during the day (more room for me - about time...). other than that, i lounged around, caught up on some sleep, stormed around the house/slammed some doors because my parents wouldn't drive me to the gym.  then i was alone and i started thinking so i lay in bed with my ipod and played every slow, sad, song that made me feel even more sad or reminded me of you. yeah, you. fucking you. fuck fuck fuck you. i cried for a few hours straight, and that felt pretty good because for a while there i thought i was actually okay. here i am again thinking back to what i could've, should've, would've done.. oh well. i need you to get out of my head. seriously. i hate this.. because you were never what i wanted. now, though, it seems as though you're all i want. i don't want you to be the reason i don't progress with others. i don't want those little things you used to do to haunt me anymore. i can't keep thinking back. YOU can't say the things you do, do the things you do. it does not make it any easier. i hate it because i know that while i was probably lying in bed being sad, you were probably fucking that slut or at least with her. the thing is though, it's like you know i'm not her and you're happy about it. i DO have a brain. i AM smart. i kept you hanging on for seven months and that showed me, honestly, that you actually really liked me.. because i can tell it's different with her. you guys are not like us. you just aren't. anyways, if you're in love, be in love. i'm happy for you. i've just gotta get you outta my head and you have been but seeing you constantly this week just hasn't helped is all. i don't have that self control.. not yet. ps. patrick took me out for dinner and a movie and it was lovely. i love him.. like i actually do. that's alllllllllll.

[30 Jan 2008|02:28pm] i just don't know what to really say. i'm a mess, yes. i know this.. but. i'm okay with it.. and i think admitting that means a lot more than if i were to act as if i'm okay. i'm okay, with not being okay. really.. lately, it's just been the usual. the gym, the friends.. that's pretty much it. i'll write when i have something more meaningful to say..

[10 Dec 2007|03:43pm] how come now?!

[23 Nov 2007|10:02pm] this is getting just ridiculous.. you're not worth it. as much as i now wish i'd done things differently, as much as i now wish i'd realized what i know now, this was all meant to happen. i think you know that. so unsure of what you want.. so very unsure.. the people in my life are incredible. at least i finally feel like i'm treading water, instead of drowning in it. oh yes, midterm marks are as follows: law-95 leadership-92 chem-81 world religions-83 i figure i might as well take note of this before they probably all go down.. well maybe not law. i seem to have a special aptitude for that course. that is all.

[06 Oct 2007|11:46pm] i've accepted these love handles. -- life is good. We were inseperable.

[17 Sep 2007|03:32pm]  for some odd reason, i've been really happy lately. it's not even as though i have any amount of expectations for anything..  part of me didn't want it to hit me that i haven't been in a bad mood in forever, but i think that is because i believe from that point, it is certain i'd have jinxed it and things will turn to shit. it really helps that friday was lovely. i hadn't laughed for what seemed like an eternity in a while..  work, of course, is amazing.. i worked saturday and sunday, tonight and tomorrow.. and i don't mind one bit. school is fine. i am not in an area where i have the right to complain about it.  i'm trying to figure out after looking back at old writings why it is i constantly find myself questioning anything and everything. how is it that you finally step up, tell me you love me, that you're in love with me, that you want us to be together.. and i don't care? i read from my 'writing book'. i saw how you made me feel.. how easily feelings possessed before seemed to carry some new meaning when they were with you. how i tried so hard to let you know that.. perhaps i've just lost it.  why is it that i get pissed off with you day in and day out? i know i could never live without you.. and i've finally realized that forever is not, forever. the only person i will probably ever know and be in contact with "forever" is courtney nelson. i know that. it seems as though with everyone and everything else, it is the same experiences and with different people. that's all it is. some people replace, or at least try to.. others attempt to want something different and out of the ordinary. i just don't think i can ever say forever to anyone, anymore. it's just too permanent.. i'm rambling. We were inseperable.

[14 Sep 2007|03:02pm] i've been happy on a daily basis. it's very odd.. i am also very excited for muskoka (hopefully), as well as quebec.. just things that seem to make time go by so much faster. for some reason, the projects and the homework each night haven't stopped me from having a really good time. and so, it's the weekend. hell yes. 3 We were inseperable.

[29 Aug 2007|04:19am] i just need some peace.. i need to sleep. We were inseperable.

[26 Aug 2007|07:45pm] i hateee food. i wish i wasn't such a sucker for some things.. i am feeling very bad about my body. i'm never going to eat again. you lost me. We were inseperable.

[19 Aug 2007|11:17pm] comparison is such a terrible thing. We were inseperable.

[01 Aug 2007|03:39pm] so the used september 15th. 'bout fucking time. spill canvas sometime, and brand new october 19th.  fuckkk, life is good. wes and i chilllled the other night. ohhh, wes tan, i looove you. hahah "that wouldn't be very bff.."  the river really is beautiful at night.. possibly because you cannot see how disgusting the water actually is, but rather the light that reflects off of it. mmm. i figure patrick&erik will stop by tonight, and adrianna and i can chilllll with them. tomorrow andrew will probably comeee here. next week i am finally going to go to dom's ! and i can get the cd he burned for me 4383984 years ago. ah, well. it will still be just as effective. courtney-a-thon ! tomorrow until sunday. <3333 all i could ever ask for, really. i get paiddd friday. ouuu, i have a list of the things i need to buy. i'm such a lazy peice of shit, really.. this is the second time this week i can't work out with steph. well, first was only because of work.  my godddd, i am at that gym so much. tooooo bad i love it, though. pointless shit. i'm done. We were inseperable.

[01 Aug 2007|01:10pm] baby ! home =) !! We were inseperable.

[01 Jul 2007|08:01pm] "today is different. i don't look at you the same; i don't look at you and say to myself, 'i wish he'd love me' cause this morning when i woke up, it just clicked. just like that. i realized that you can never love me. you wont let yourself, but that's all on you, not me. it was you're decision, not mine. so when you're thinking, 'i wish she'd love me', remember that day when you told me we'd never be anything more than friends." We were inseperable.

[23 Jun 2007|09:16pm] ( party? mm.  ) 4 We were inseperable.

i think there's just a few people i want to address. [12 Jun 2007|10:58pm] i miss you a hell of a lot. i constantly wonder what it is i could do or possibly could have done to make this better than it is, right now. i still consider you one of my very best friends. is it okay that i do? you mean a lot, and you have since within the first month i met you. you're great! you're beautiful & so adorable, it is not even funny. we haven't had a real conversation in a long while, and it tends to make me sad. for the past two weeks, i've kept the book and what you wrote to me in it, open on my dresser, with some things resting on it to keep it open. i like being able to look at it, especially in the times i've been so sad lately. i just want things to be how they were in summer, or the night i last saw you, wiping my tears telling me it was all okay. summer's coming, and once you're done mad studying for the exams, this is going to be better. i promise you that.. because there is no fucking way i am going to lose one of my best friends. --- i don't know what it is. remember when you found out i had a boyfriend last summer and everyday you made a comment. "well, this is weird. you have a boyfriend now." i would say, i'm still the same erica, silly! and you'd respond, "but you're not SINGLE erica".. i never understood that. not until now. we are so close, it is ridiculous. i probably know 95% of everything about you. you tell me everything, including things i don't want to hear.. hahah. but i love it and i love you! we always tell each other that. it is wonderful. you alwaysalways walk me all the way home even if you have to be home within twenty minutes and we all know it takes you longer than that to walk me and get back home. i've been here for you, and you've been here for me. i try and take all of this, all of what i know, all of what we both know, and just accept it, but it's like everytime i try and do that, there's no use. i don't want to drift from you, but it's like with her as an added factor, it just makes it so much easier to say, "fuck this", and walk away. i don't want you to think that is what i want, because it most definitely is not. it just seems it is impossible to hold a friendship where two are so close with each other, when this is going on. when you have this with her, and i have my things going on. we don't play anymore. i don't hitt you when we're going up the stairs nor do we joke the way we used to. we're always going to be close, of course.. but i guess this is me accepting in what ways it is going to be for the time being. just like you were here when he was gone, well, i'm always going to be here. you are the most incredible person and i am delighted to be so close to you. i am delighted we dance down my street, and the way you rushed into my room and looked for a picture of us in my frames. if you think for a second that this summer is going to be the slightest bit different than last, richard dutka, you are in for a surprise <3. --- you have amazed me these past few months.. i cannot believe you said those words to me. you make me feel just as you always have, but i would be lying if i said all of this is not hard for me. 'course there are boys whom have potential.. enough for me to want them. it is hard to let you back in. it is hard to not wonder if you mean all that you say. the trust that i have in you is unbelievable considering our history. i give us props, but i give me just as much. with how many times i've been told to drop you, i kept you somewhat close.. and so much is happening right now. i'm just glad you're around. i'm happy of the way that you view this. it's gotta mean something, right? --- i cannot wait until exams are over. i love where i work. i love stephanie/meaghan/rachel/allanah/danielle/courtney. i loove how rich i'm going to be after july. i love my parents. summer. :) i cannot wait for you.  i cannot wait for days spent at the river listening to music with meaghan, photoshoots, car dance moves, our road trip & bubbi's. i cannot wait for late nights, hoookah, swimming, partying and driving around aimlessly. i cannot wait for grand bend with just my beest friends. i cannot wait for dancing, tim hortons, saving my money [; and more memories with everyone. let's do this shittt ! We were inseperable.

[04 Jun 2007|09:02pm] ( PICTURES ) 3 We were inseperable.

[24 May 2007|04:30pm] i give us so much credit. you're changing your ways.. i can see it in the way you look at me. things are going to be different. you are so great. We were inseperable.

[20 May 2007|03:48pm] ( we were just living ) 4 We were inseperable.

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